i just got back from hanging out with some people that i haven't seen in a very long time.  i initially was going to go home because i had a headache, but then i got a call inviting me, and i thought, "what the hell... i haven't seen these people in forever."  it was weird.  it wasn't weird because they were rude to me or anything like that.  they were wonderful, true to their normal fashion.  it was weird because i realize how much i took these people for granted and how much i've missed them.  one person in particular.  a couple of months ago, i went on a couple of dates with one of them, and it was great.  he's great, but i had a show i was working on, this was my last quarter and it wasn't the right time.  tonight, however, i couldn't take my eyes off of him.  most of you that know me, know how i am about dating and relationships and especially "love".  it was so weird, though.  i just wanted the rest of the world to melt away and for him and i to be left over to just talk.  to have him hold me.  to be close to him.  i hate myself for saying that, though.  i hate that i feel this way.  this is seriously why i don't get into relationships.  i am scared to death of them.  i am so freightened of getting hurt and having to deal with that, that i choose not to open myself up to people and instead, deal with being alone.  it hit me tonight how much i miss having someone in my life.  someone that i can love.  i miss feeling that way about someone.  i am so superstitious when it comes to relationships or having feelings for someone that i think even writing this will jinx me and i will never see him again and i will feel stupid.  i am so scared to let myself look stupid, which is stupid in itself because i do stupid things on a daily basis.  i'm very frustrated right now and i am just rambling, and it's getting me nowhere... seriously, will someone SLAP some sense in to me??? FOR SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in other news i had a very erotic dream about a faceless woman yesterday... it shook me to my core.

"i don't want to get too close, i don't want to get too close, see this isn't where my head is if you knew me, i'm not like this, but i just found someone special and that's really something special, if you knew me, nice to meet you anyway. i believe you verified still i haven't got the time, cause i just found someone special and that's really something special if you knew me, nice to meet you anyway.  and the sky opened up with the soil of the sun dreaming of my true love.  i don't need to be so strange but my life just took a change, cause i just found someone special and that's really something special if you knew me, nice to meet you anyway.  and the sky opened up with the soil of the sun dreaming of my true love.  so before this goes to far, let me tell you what you are. you're amazing i'm attracted but i'm terribly distracted and i'm tryin to be verbal and i'm back into this circle, cause i just found someone special and that's really something special if you knew me, nice to meet you. nice to meet you.  nice to meet you anyway.  and even if you want me to stay here, i'm telling you right now, i should leave yes, before i get to changing my mind here, i hope you understand what i mean.  what i mean, yeah. i hope you understand me, nice to meet you, nice to meet you anyway."

footprints, eh??? i just found this detail out today when i was driving tyler home... interesting.  most of my footprints are from people that i don't even know, so that's fun.  well... 16 days to graduation, 17 days to las vegas.  that's right i said LAS VEGAS!!! i have the coolest dad in the world who thought a good graduation present would be a trip to vegas the day after i graduate.  my father and i will depart columbus around 5:45 in the morning the day after graduation, which puts us into vegas pretty early... we will have the whole day monday then monday night we are going to the mirage to see the new cirque du soliel show "love" then we will hop in a taxi and drive downtown to the old part of vegas to rock out for a while.  tuesday we will probably hang out during the day (maybe shop, probably be out by the pool because it's supposed to be at least 100 everyday) then we are goign to a fancy dinner and then to a show at the mgm called KA.  it's another cirque show, so that should be amazing as well.  i'm super excited because we will be gambling at the imperial palace where they have "dealertainers" who are dressed like michael jackson, tina turner, and my personal favorite dolly parton... it should be a great time.  we will leave sometime wednesday late afternoon and return to columbus late wednesday evening. and THEN... STEVE WILL BE HERE!  i'm so pumped to see him.  i haven't seen the kid since christmas time, so it should be a grand time had by ALL. 

this quarter has been wonderful.  i did the cradle will rock in bowen which ran from may 10-20 and i had an amazing time.  it was so much fun to work with the school of music kids and it was wonderful getting to work with chris and tony.  it was weird because that was my first and last show on osu's stage... interesting.  it was wonderful, though, and i made some great friends. 

my next adventure is STAFF production's Celebration: A Musical Cabaret which opens on june 1st.  we will have 4 performances, and then i will be done with the acting scene for a while... it's going to be weird!  but you should all come out and support my last time on stage and it's FREE.  i'm sure you're all getting tired of my promotions, so no more.... for tonight at least.

i'm going to miss a lot of people at osu and in columbus when i move to nyc in august.  it's weird to think that i have grown so close to these people, that they have become my family, and that i won't see them again until christmas probably.  i am going to try to make the most of my time here this summer and work my ass off to make 2389123892 dollars before i move.  at some point before i leave, i am going to make a more personal entry which will have specific dedications to all of the people who have really touched me this past  year, year and a half.

things are wrapping up.  it's going to be different.  i'm excited and scared at the same time.

"because i knew you... i have been changed for good."

just for clarification... yes, tyler... i am trying to say that there's a party in my pants, and EVERYONE is invited.  i have no idea why we started calling it the pants party.  i think just because that's a fun line from anchorman, so no need for confusion.  the idea is that people will come to ashlee's house, get drunk, and they can be wearing pants, or no pants, or, my darling wife, you should only be in UNDERpants... that would be magnificent

a good time will (hopefully) be had by all, and i challenge  you to make what you want of the party title.....

"yes, and two of them actually are."

thank you everyone for helping me celbrate my 23rd birthday!!! you're all so wonderful and i'm lucky to have you.

go see thank you for smoking. don't talk to me until you have.

not really. but it's super good.

hope everyone's quarters are going well.

mine's crazy. as always. cradle will rock is amazing... i'm learning so much at every rehearsal and i really like the cast.  we've become quite a close-knit little family. i guess that happens when you do a show. it's a good feeling.

pants party @ ashlee mundy's house this friday night. everyone is invited!

as my good friend, kristin green would quote from the best movie, "the great state of vermont will not apologize for it's cheese!"

classes started.  as you all know.  it was good to see everyone again and to hear about people's breaks.  we started rehearsals for cradle last night, and i think the show's going to be great.  there's an incredible amount of talent.  it's kind of weird being with the school of music kids... we all sort of broke up and it seemed like theatre kids vs. music school kids.  with some more time, i'm sure it will come together.

over break a very good friend of mine's father died.  growing up, i danced with her, and her parents were really supportive and around all of the time.  her father used to drive us to competitions, or to recitals.  as we got older, her and i and three other girls became inseparable best friends.  the five of us went on a cruise for our senior spring break and we tried to be together as much as we could.  when we went off to college, we all knew it was going to be different.  we kept in touch as much as we could, but it was hard and we were all making new friends.  we would hang out in the summer when we could.... etc, etc.  when we heard that adrienne's father died, it hit us all really hard.  we knew that we had to go to the funeral, for her more than anything else.  it was the most emotional experience that i've had in a long time.  when we walked into the funeral home, she collapsed into our arms and cried in a way that only comes from the brokenness of your soul.  she asked us to go over the to casket and say good-bye to her father with her before the lid was closed.  as we walked over and finally saw her father, we all broke down.  cancer had aged him 20 years.  his hair was gone.  the only thing that was the same was his nose.  the nose that adrienne got, and hated for so many years.  as she looked into the casket one last time, and said good-bye to her father, she could help but reach down and hug him.  she sobbed on his chest.  she didn't want to say good-bye and never see him again.  when it was time to close the casket, she screamed out, "daddy!" and lunged forward to try and see him during the very last second before the lid was completely closed.  her 16 year old brother helped carry the casket to the hearse, and then to the gravesite.  there was a beautiful service.  everyone sprinkled some earth on the casket, and laid a lily on top.  afterwards, we went out into the open part of the field and released balloons, to represent the releasing of his soul. 

it's probably a little bit weird that i described this in so much detail, but it really affected me.  it was so hard to see her trying to be so strong, but not able to do it.  she was so broken and so hurt and angry and upset.  she kept saying, "what am i going to do without my daddy?"  that got me thinking.  what would i do without mine?? it's a horrible thought, but you can't help but put yourself in her shoes.  her father won't be there to walk her down the aisle.  he'll never see his 16 year old graduate high school.  he won't see his other daughter graduate college.  he'll never know her kids.  it's an awful thought.  the words that adrienne left us with were, "go home and give plenty of love to your dads.  sometimes they act like they don't need it, but dad's need a lot of love to." 

at the funeral home, there were small cards with the date of her father's death, the service times and places and a few other details.  there was one part in particular that was completely him:

"and now, the end is here
and so i face the final curtain
my friend, i'll say it clear
i'll state my case, of which i'm certain
i've lived a life that's full
i traveled each and ev'ry highway
and more, much more than this,
i did it my way"
-paul anka

in case you were wondering, i love you all and you mean the world to me.  i don't think i say that enough.